staring into my bowl of chicken and sipping my black coffee.......

Its been almost one year since i last made a post....

and i've sat here for 30 mins trying to figure out where to start?

For the last year i had been kidding myself i was gonna start training properly and knew deep down i wasn't going to, i was comfortable not liking my body and eating any old shit i could stuff in my mouth. I enjoyed giving 15..maybe 20% effort at the gym and that suited me well. 

I spent a week in Venice eating all the finest Italian food i could eat (and bring back in my case), i liked drinking wine, i going on holiday in Spain and drinking beers and wines like water! i had no goal and no desire.....great....right??well no 

a few weeks ago my friend come over, the last year has been a vile and cruel time for her and her family. we talked about her dreams for her business this year and her plans to make her business grow, excitement grew in me as i watched her eyes light up for the first time in a long time, i little bit of passion was there, a little spark, a little bit of her in her own eyes. 

as she left we joked around and she asked me what i was gonna do? "whats the new thing for you now?" she joked, i had to think, i shrugged and replied with "no idea" 

"well what ever you do it'll be some crazy thing you'll throw your self into!'

yeah, maybe ill never be a career kinda girl but a lot of experiences are far more exciting to me.  

thing is i didn't feel finished, i didn't fall out of love with competing like i had my previous "phases" i just relaxed on my 170lb morals!!

so umm here i am, 2 weeks into prep. i am entering two comps in june and I'm shitting myself. i have the same people around me as last time and I'm feeling nervous but a good nervous. i do feel a title bit of pressure, entering one comp and winning that comp makes me feel like i have some kind of expectation to fill, i try to put that to the back of my mind though. i try to be kind to myself and remember that i have had so much time off and as long as i do my 100% thats all i can do. 

stacey x 

Loosing myself and finding me

Hello...remember me?? 

I've just looked back over the last few posts and it was a mix of emotions. So much has changed since September last year, physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I'll start with physical  as that is what this was originally about. I'm

Now currently weighing in at 158lb and completely out of shape! You'll get an understanding as to why after reading this post hopefully. My training if you can even call it that is now down to about 3 times a week. I suffered a fractured sternum not long after the comp so training was off limits. I also had cosmetic surgery in late October meaning another 6 weeks off! 

Mentally I feel strong, I decided back in November to quit uni (my tutor deferred me rather than signing me off completely)

It was hard and I felt like a total failure, all of a sudden all the things I was using to fill my life and use as distraction techniques had come crashing down around my ears. This is also around the time I had decided to end my marriage. 

Christmas came and went at lightening strike speed and I realised that this year any kind of competing was totally out of the question. Even though I did try to convince my trainer other wise. I knew I would never be happy with not giving it 100% dedication to my training and diet.

I've realised for me to do anything properly and dedicate myself to it I need an end goal. I have that now, I aim to drop a few lbs and start a heavy off season to compete in May 2017 with a leaner base. It'll give me the just over the same time frame as the last comp.  

Emotionally I'm actually in a place I never thought I would be, I'm happy, I'm actually stupidly, sickeningly happy. He makes my face hurt from smiling and my chest explode. Maybe that's why my dedication to training has taken a back seat, I'm no longer trying to fill a void with something. Before I felt a bit empty and the gym was somewhere I felt I belonged, the people and the pain filled this hole where happiness and companionship was supposed to be! I still love it and I still want to do my best it's just not everything any more.... He has shown me it's ok to just be me, I'm good enough. And he is more than good enough τέλειο αγόρι μου 

so what happens now???

eeeehhhh as i breath in a sigh of relief and look back over the weekend, trying to process the whole thing i have some odd thoughts.....firstly woo hoo i won....all that hard work, all those tears, all the crawling after legs...was worth it, i actually won at some thing, FUCK YEAH!!


then comes the weird stuff....what now? today is the day i feel a bit more normal, so now i can get my head around it. yesterday i felt empty and a bit numb....people asked me how do you feel and all i could say was "overwhelmed" because i didn't want to say i felt empty, a bit lost and generally a bit crappy. every thing i had focused on for a year had been and gone and so did my direction. who was i now? what do i do?

i had around 6 hours sleep over the whole weekend and was exhausted and depleted. i was in uni first thing Monday morning and just had to suck it all up.

today iv spoke to my trainer and now know what needs to be worked on and whats happening and feel so much better knowing i have some time to kick back and chill and then get back to normal again,


I'm feeling myself again, i feel mega proud that we achieved this, its a total joint effort. i feel he did more than me, i just did what i was told like a little robot, do this, eat this, drink this...like a little Frankenstein creation! but we fucking won... did it!












so here goes a week off to chill, then 2016......i'm freaking coming
for ya you filthy bastard

Stacey x

Emotional rollercoaster

not wrote in a while so best update

so as i type 13 days out from comp day...EEEEKKK

i have to say the last two weeks have been some what of an up and down. one min I'm like the queen of the world the next i feel like the whole thing is too much and I'm googling closest KFC!! your constantly worried you haven't give it enough but also question what more you could have done! are you stupid for even trying and why the hell shouldn't you give it a go....

last weekend i managed to get away for the night, my boy was returning from Morocco so went to London to collect him. the thought of having a day and night to myself was a welcoming feeling, even the thought of the 3.5 hour train journey filled me with excitement, to sit and just day dream, listen to some music, watch the world go by with no where to go...bliss.

i met up with an old friend who i hadn't seen for 7 years...it was like no time had passed at all, we met up and took a tour around east London, we traced the steps of jack the ripper, under the cover of darkness we walked the streets and just talked and laughed and laughed some more. i have no idea of how far we went but it felt like miles....

just having that little break was great, i need to do that more often.

my trainer had returned from holiday and sanity prevailed again. i never thought of myself as someone who needed routine but i do, i really do. as soon as he got a look at my condition and he said i was exactly where i need to be i could relax a bit, my mind had been cleared and i felt in control again.

last week saw the last heavy leg session for me this prep, i have to admit its a good feeling to know that's over for a bit, this is my last week lifting heavy and also this is the last week to smash the cardio.

its getting really exciting now and apart from the weekends (no routine) I'm actually enjoying this prep. maybe because i had set my mind on it being the most horrendous experience of my life and any thing better than that is a plus. I'm just trying to fill my time and keep occupied, that seems to keep the thoughts of cakes away.


uni starts again Monday and i feel lucky to have had my prep ove rthe summer so i have no distractions, I'm no sure how peak week will be as its the same week as uni BUT ill do what i have to.



at least i know ill be busy and what will be will be

stacey

the week that went missing!!

ugh...had a crap week last week. my girl was poorly so the week was spent either at the hospital or at home mopping up vomit.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday i had a virus that hit me and was totally wiped out. i managed 1 whole session at the gym.

i take vitamin c daily as i know my immune system will be taking a battering while in prep but some things you just can't get away from.

it has had a knock on effect with my confidence and missing one week has proved to have been the biggest test of all.

i feel like i have wasted away and i feel tiny (not good tiny) i know its psychological but with a fragile state of mind it really was the last thing i wanted.

i did hit a weight loss of 2lb this week (thanks bugs) and today was my first day back in the gym.

i needed to get my motivation back as i was feeling a bit like i could quit (again), i have to constantly remind myself that iv come too far now.. so picked myself up and had a shoulders and Abs session, it felt good to be back and I'm now looking forward to the rest of the week. head has been wobbled and I'm ready for it.

coffees consumed= about 9

Hoarding chocolate...im like a Reece's squirrel

general over sight

I'm stuck in the house today as i have poorly girl who greeted me with vomit this morning, so thought i best update this.

I'm 5 weeks out now and still feeling generally OK body and mind wise...my face on the other hand has taken a bashing and the lack of fat in my face is making me look like a haggard old bag *weeps*. 

I'm struggling with the prospect of having to smile and hold it while breathing and not grimace.....that shits hard. 

 

this week i have decided to voluntarily ditch my cheats, its no good for the brain. i find i put so much pressure on myself to hit the losses just to have a cheat that if it doesn't happen (it has once) the knock on effect is vile, tears, tantrums and generally breakdowns follow so its gone. what this has done is sparked me into a chocolate hoarder. every time i visit the shop i buy myself  treat and stick in the fridge. iv also just ransacked amazon for Reece's goodies and have a nice little parcel coming my way soon. 

iv booked my make up for the comp and have a trial soon so that's one thing down, i need to get some kinda hair piece but first need to decide on the colour my hair will be, also need to purchase tan but until my trainer is home from holiday i wont make any decisions on that.  I'm still toying with different song choices for my routine but the actual routine is pretty much down, just needs scrubbing up.

excuses

hey, quick update then i want to talk about excuses.

this week i had another 3lb drop that's half a stone in two weeks...(yey) the weeks are flying by and yes i did buy that other bikini.....and I'm not sorry :)

I want to talk about excuses, this week i posted a before and after picture on my FB, it was from January to now, the response was great. it feels awesome to have such positive comments from my friends and family.

there where a few comment like "i wish i had your commitment"...and it made me laugh.

my friends who have known me for years laugh at me and not because they are not proud but because i was the kinda person who would never even consider this kinda stuff. i was a strictly beer, kebab and good time girl, i hated cardio and working out was was bending down in the fridge.

i see girls all the time say oh i hate this or i hate that......so did i, i just refused to let it control me any more. you meet people who can start a fire in your belly and for me that was Amanda, she enticed me and what she said excited me. ultimately though only you can fuel that fire and keep it burning.

Then another friend said "its all about your priorities in life, what you want more"
i want to be able to sit down with my family and enjoy a meal have cooked but for the moment i want this more.

i have a FB friend who has lost 30lb...30 fucking pound...that shits not easy. she eats right and works out, she is a mum and holds down a job...she is pretty awesome, she knows what she wants.

people want a quick fix, to drink a shake and wake up looking like a VS model...it wont work. it may have a short term effect but ultimately its hard graft and sacrifices that will get you where you want to be, if that's not for you that's cool, your life and your priorities!

i have a friend who is a cancer survivor, has one leg and one lung. he puts the graft in and works out, its hard and takes a bit of adjustment for him to get the exercises done but HE GETS SHIT DONE!
he could make up a million excuses but doesn't.

got one leg and one lung...rides a fucking bike, got one leg and one lung....manages dead lifts...got one leg and one lung.....swims.... you'll never hear "i can't" come out of his mouth.

its hard, my fucking god its hard, some days i don't want to get up at 6am and get on the cross trainer, some days its hot and i just want an ice-cream and go to the beach, some days its cold and i want some pasta with a rich tomato sauce and Parmesan cheese and to hibernate on the sofa...but i want this more.



also set an example to your kids man, my kids know that what you want takes hard work, they wont be afraid to graft their asses off to get what they want. They wont moan about things they feel they can't achieve they'll go out and find a way to get them.


Stacey x